Excited & Fearful

Sean & Pia with the best Auntie/Yaya in town

This entry pretty wraps up the bittersweet month of August. I'd rather remember this month as bittersweet. It's still etched in my memory that I used to hate this month. Yes, yes, yes! You heard it right. August signals the start of mixed emotions for me. I'm really excited and fearful. Two adjectives that would aptly describe how I face September.

I'm too excited to read the questions and rock my memory for answers. On the other hand, I'm fearful that my answers are not really the correct answers to the questions. Just like life. Everything is a blur, everything is uncertain.

Well, that was my 2008.

Fast forward to 2013. I guess I still can use those two adjectives. I'm both excited and fearful. I'm looking forward to get hold of the questionnaire and write as neatly, legibly and intelligently as I can. I'm also fearful that I might encounter bomb questions. Or bum questions. Whatever.

I'd like to think that the Lord prepared me to be this brave. You see, I still maintain a full-time job alongside my bar review. I admit, I have down times in between. But but but! Nothing will stop me from facing the month of October. This is it, Lord! This is really it!

I ask for your guidance, Lord. From now on until October and the succeeding months (when insanity strikes) and forever.

Missing Summer

I miss summer!

Just Checking In

Hello there! I am so happy and relieved that I am now in my last subject of my first reading phase. I'm happy because this was my favorite subject way, way back. Can you believe it? It's been a decade already. How fast time flies. I'm relieved also because, yes, I'm almost done with first reading phase.

But this doesn't mean that I am happy and relieved overall. I still have a wealth of information to read and incorporate into my brain cells. Hey brain cells, pay attention! If I could only put all my reading materials in a food processor then I'd probably be happily drinking 'legal smoothie' everyday until my birth month.

Do you know that the long quiz will be held during my birth month? Tough luck. And the biggest shocker of all is that my birthday falls on the same day that I'll be battling with Civil Law and Taxation. Taxation be damned. Good luck to me, dear Lord. Please have mercy on me.

Anyhoo, I'm just here checking in for a minute. Any minor details will probably be forgotten but the essentials are all here. I'm happy and relieved. And so, so so confused and overwhelmed with all the legalese I'm taking in for the past few months.

My Little Evening Prayer

Dear God,

Hello Mighty Father! Help me transform my fears to dreams. Help me throw all the negative vibes into a big waste basket and throw them a thousand or even hundreds of million miles away from me. I know that in the grand scheme of things I will be okay. I'm seemingly okay so I will be okay, whether I like it or not. I'd like to think that all my apprehensions and fears are just part of that one big unwelcome thing called bar jitters.

Screw you, bar jitters. I know I can make it. Yes, God. I know. I just know. And whatever is this I'm feeling right now, this is just pretty normal. 'Been there, done that' thing.

I have stocked up lots of courage for almost five years. Five years, beat that. It's amazing. And it's the most amazing kind of amazing. Amazingly slow. But quality 'education' takes time, isn't it? Oh no, I'm rambling already, Lord. Bar jitters, bar jitters, I know.

If I could only throw all these jitters to the wind, I will. If all it takes is just one flip of my hair, I certainly will, every nano second. Okay, whatever, Bebang, whatever. Concentration is the key.


Back to my earnest prayer, Lord. Help me survive this journey. I may read all the materials out there, but if I lack concentration, then it all boils down to nada. Nothing. While I'm secretly eneveloped with fear and apprehensions, there's a tiny voice inside my heart that whispers "You're gonna make it!". New York, New York.

And you know what, Lord? I am so happy and overwhelmed with that tiny whisper. I know it's You. So, I thank you from the deepest caverns of my heart. May my heart continue to rejoice in this tiny voice posing as a blessing in this incredible journey of mine.

Forever hopeful and grateful,
J

I will, I will

Dear God,

I just had a therapeutic private cry a few minutes ago. It was good I could compare it to having leche flan for dessert after a satisfying lunch of pinakbet and fried fish. I felt good afterwards. It's nice to unload buckets of tears whenever you have silly secret fears. Secret fears be damned!

So here are my secret fears, in random order. I shoulda stop calling them secret because I'm gonna hit the publish button anyway.

1) I fear that my dreams won't come true.
2) I fear that I'm not good enough for my dreams.
3) I fear that I'm dreaming too much.
4) I fear that my dreams won't like me, so they might just skip me and land in another person's lap and then I'll be left crying like a helpless kid in a dark street.
5) LET'S STOP THIS NONSENSE, J!


Item # 5 is all caps, look! Hallelujah! Something made me stop at item # 5. It's not nice to list down your fears because some whirlwind of energy might capture them and make them come true for you. God forbid!!! No, I just listed them down for my future reference. Really.

I want to look at these fears and tell them to get lost. Right. Now.

I want to laugh at these fears someday (to be specific, in 2014) and tell them, "See? I made it! My dreams came true. Now get lost!" God is good!

So help me God.

I pray that You will find me deserving of Your love and trust. I know Your love is so great and overwhelming and more than enough to carry me (and my family) through towards my dreams. I know Your trust on me is bigger than all the solar systems in the universe. I know You're not gonna let me live my life in waste. I know You're gonna use me as an instrument in making this world a better place to live. I know You're up there looking at me and smiling at me while I'm typing this blog. (Hello God!) I know that You're preparing me for something great with an even greater bonus!

God, consider this entry as my virtual equivalent to Kitkat. I just took a break. Tee hee. I'll now start pursuing my dream. My book is now giving me a stern look. It wants to be opened and highlighted.

I will, God. I will.

Thank you.

Forever Yours,
J